Our House Is A (very, very) FINED House

It's astonishing how two people acting together can do something so much stupider than one person acting alone. My friends' moms used to say, "two heads are better than one!" but mine never did and I think maybe she was on to something. Or maybe she knew me. I don't know; it doesn't matter.

Two people acting together can be way stupider than one and the Y Chromosome and I are proof.

We live in a pretty nice neighborhood. Except for the highway that runs through it, it's nice because people keep their lawns neat and park their cars in their garages. We try to keep up but I destroyed the landscaping one year with a small set of sharp scissors and we've combined so many households, it would be easier to burn the garage down than clean it out.

At the same time, our street is so busy if you set something out on the curb it's usually gone within about 10 minutes. We sold a piece of furniture once as we were moving it down the front steps and we nearly had a nervous breakdown last summer when our neighbors borrowed our lawnmower and left it on the sidewalk when they stopped to talk to each other.

But what we did last week was really obnoxious. Actually, it was more than a week. It was more like two weeks. We bought a new sofa and when the guys who delivered it asked me if I wanted them to take the old one out, I said, "sure."

I failed to take into consideration that it was raining and people don't want sofas that have been left out in the rain. Then again, that wouldn't be odd for me because I think it's strange anyone would want any sofa that once belonged to someone they didn't know. (Ironically however, someone did take the seat cushions. How weird is that?)

So, we live in a neighborhood where no one has a TV on their porch, no one sits outside with a fan blowing on them, people have nice cars parked inside their garages, and we decide to set our old living room furniture out on our curb.

So far you're thinking, "Wait Jen, you're the only one who's done something stupid here..."

Well....When the Y Chromosome got home he said, "No one is going to take that couch, it's been out in the rain." I said, "Well, we should bring it in." He said, "No, we'll call the City and they'll come get it."

The next day I called the City and when I told the Y Chromosome the pick up date was three weeks away I said we should bring it in. He said, "No, we can leave it there." I said, "We'll get in trouble." He said, "Our neighbors did it and they didn't get in trouble." I said, "Okay." And there it stayed.

During the week I met someone who asked where I lived and when they said, "Oh, that's a nice area," I felt compelled to admit we had an old sofa sitting out front and told them if they were driving by they should feel free to take it; if they were walking by, they should feel free to take a seat. But of course, the seats had already been taken. It was so embarrassing.

On Wednesday, the Y Chromosome told me someone from the City, in a pick up truck, one that could easily manage a sofa, stopped to photograph the sofa. We considered a lot of reasons for this: They needed to know how big it was, where it was located, which sofa needed to be picked up versus which one (that was set curbside) was currently in use by residents simply for traffic spotting. Obviously, we had justification for leaving it out there.


On Friday, we received a Citation. It said, "Specifically, the property is in violation of [the HEALTH AND SANITATION Chapter] Section 91.69."

Once again, pretty embarrassing. It's one thing if you're a landlord and you get a citation for violating Health and Sanitation codes but this is our home. I called the Y Chromosome. His somewhat delayed response? This is a direct quote: "Listen, you know what I think? I think that guy who lives across the street from the guy two houses down who's so fastidious about his leaves called the City and told on us."

Okay, so now we live in a nice neighborhood with a leaf-sweeping tattletale.

Curiously, the citation was accompanied by a black and white photo of our sofa, sitting at the end of our driveway, in front of our house.

I guess this was to prevent confusion. They thought we were so stupid they could send us a letter that cited "...any bulky items such as furniture/mattresses..." and we would have thought, "you don't think they could be talking about the sofa, do you?..."

Or maybe it was really a photo intended to mean, "HA! See the sofa!? SEE IT?!!? We've got you now, SUCKAHS!!"