FYI: I PREFER FILET

My sister says that it's very appropriate to "prune the tree of life." By that she means if you don't want to be friends with someone anymore, it's okay to break up with them.

After I spent almost a year telling her about a particular person/couple (I don't know why I bother being ambiguous, they're not reading this, that's for sure) we decided it wasn't such a great friendship, and I shouldn't feel bad about calling it quits.

When I called my sister and happened to tell her that this person/couple had shunned our, reluctant, invitation to a particular event (at the last minute) her reaction was, "Oh, YAY!"

No. No, not "Oh, YAY!"

I understand that the net outcome was EXACTLY what I was looking for, however, I was dumping them. Not the other way around.

This is the way it works: when I decide not to be friends with someone, I usually end it with a grand gesture. I insist on picking up the tab at a good and expensive restaurant, give them an embarrassingly generous gift, execute that final last favor-that-should-never-have-been-asked-of-me, or present them with something like a really nice bottle of what they don't know is Farewell Wine.

Keep in mind, this happens rarely, but when it does, I have good reasons.

In this case, even small encounters with this person/couple required copious amounts of alcohol; there was way too much "imbibing" and the next day was always just totally wasted. I try to avoid those kind of people because frankly, we don't need the help (it's not lost on me that they probably felt the same way).

Second, I'm not really crazy about people who so monopolize the conversation that they kick into high-speed, pressured speech so that no one interrupts them for the entire evening (hence, another reason for the way-too-much-imbibing -- if you can't talk, you got nothing else to do but drink, right?).

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that people would naturally do this around me because I want to monopolize the conversation. Well, that might be true, however, it was also accompanied by maniacal laughter, weird outbursts of anger and other bizarre behavior that made me feel sort of uncomfortable and stressed out (and particularly since I'm so self-centered, I started to believe that I was the inspiration for it).

So I had good reasons and originally, I thought good luck.

There had been a general distancing of the relationship which had not concerned me. There had been a few incidents that would be easily excused between friends but in this case could be easily construed as subtle signs. I was thinking there wouldn't be a need for grand gestures - that the relationship would die a quiet, natural death...a mutual parting of the ways: dismissed as simply, "not a good match."

However, as luck would have it, a last minute favor was needed and I was greedy. I was quick to seize the opportunity. I saw it as a nice opportunity to tie up the relationship in a neat little package. Big bow on top.

What a mistake.

I should have just said, "sorry, can't" but I didn't, and things took a turn for the worse. They wanted to thank me and they insisted on having us over for dinner to do it. They served the most enormous steaks I have ever seen, never mind eaten, and the combination of being hungry, greedy, not being able to get a word in edgewise, and not wanting to be there, wasn't good...I probably demolished about a pound of it. Maybe more. I was sick for two days.

So when my sister said, "Oh, YAY!" it was like a firecracker went off: the last minute cancellation, subtle signs, little incidents, and the huge steaks.

They had served us our last supper...I had been greedy, they got the grand gesture, and we had been dumped.